


there's a fine line

by all_forylee_the_game



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew is improving, Andrew is thinking about when his mental health was really bad, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bee is an absolute queen, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Neil helps, Positive ending, Suicidal Thoughts, a lot of suicidal thoughts, no one dies I promise, we're really diving into Andrew's head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28255851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_forylee_the_game/pseuds/all_forylee_the_game
Summary: Andrew remembered the last time he had hit this point. The problem with Andrew’s mind was that it was easy to get lost in. Back then, Andrew hadn’t known which way was out. Yet his subconscious clearly knew which way was further in. Then Andrew had crashed.But there was a fine line between the two scenarios.-OR Andrew's mental health drops.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 4
Kudos: 82





	there's a fine line

**Author's Note:**

> ayo my aftg frogs  
> welcome  
> THIS COULD BE VERY TRIGGERING. read the tags, all of the warnings are in there, yet i will list them again  
> TW: mental health, depression, suicidal thoughts. this is a dive into andrew's head when he's thinking about a time when his mental health was really bad.  
> second, this is not necessarily exactly how andrew thinks. some of this is based on what i have felt before, yet if anything is glaringly offensive or wrong, let me know. 
> 
> that's all. if you are hesitant for any reason i would suggest not reading. i want everyone to stay safe. i know if may not look like it, but this fic has a positive end.  
> i'm out. see you soon

Andrew remembered the last time he had hit this point. He remembered getting through it because he had a promise with Aaron and he wasn’t going to break that. Aaron had tried everything to get some semblance of a reaction out of him. Aaron had ignored him, swore at him, yelled at him, and even tried to make him feel guilty about Tilda. None of it worked. Though Andrew was slightly amused by the guilt attempt, Aaron eventually gave up. 

Nicky, though- Nicky had been different. For all of Nicky’s visible happiness and obnoxiousness, Nicky had hit rock bottom before, it had just been in a different way. Nicky had some bone-deep understanding that would have made Andrew uncomfortable if he was up to feeling that. It didn’t happen though. Nicky saw it, had tried to help, and it wore away at him. It did nothing because Andrew knew that there was no way to help someone who wasn’t helping themselves. 

Andrew had known that he was going to stay alive for Aaron, so there hadn’t been much of a choice. 

Yet Andrew remembered how hard it was to stay alive. 

It shouldn't have been, right? He was out of Cass’s house, he had - despite his best efforts - some excuse of a family, and he could protect them. 

One thing a lot of people didn’t realize was that Andrew had been struggling. He didn’t even know if someone could describe it as that because wouldn’t that imply that he felt more than apathy and pain? Had he, though? Nope. Not once. 

He saw Nicky’s concerned looks, he saw Aaron yelling at him, he saw his teachers telling him to get his act together, he saw his school counselor do absolutely nothing, he saw the people that called him manic and psychotic - but none of that had worked. Not at all. He hadn’t answered a single one of them.

That had been the longest Andrew had ever gone without saying a single word. 

It lasted to the point where people simply accepted it and moved on. To the point where people had stopped asking questions, Aaron had stopped talking to him all together, and Nicky had stopped outwardly trying to fix whatever was going on with Andrew. Just because they accepted it meant that the problem went away, right? 

Andrew had been on the edge of a knife, and jumping off wasn’t an option. He would say that he had dug his own grave, but it was the complete opposite, actually. That hadn’t made it any easier. 

_ At what point do you have to say ‘to Hell with it’ and stop living up here, and start living down here? _ That thought had been on a constant loop in Andrew’s head. And back then, he had stopped trying to live up here, because maybe that would take some of the ‘nothingness’ away.

The thing with signs is that when people see them for a long time, they eventually stop reading. 

Nicky never had, and if there was ever one regret that Andrew had it would be that he should have told Nicky to move on and keep living his life. Andrew had seen how much it took out of Nicky, but he had been so far in his head that he couldn’t even see the way out.

The problem with Andrew’s mind was that it was easy to get lost in. Andrew _hadn’t_ _known which way was out_. Yet his subconscious clearly knew which way was further in. 

It hadn’t been like Andrew wasn’t trying. For the first month he had been. He had done everything he was told, he had gone to therapy. It hadn’t lasted long. His mind wasn’t a safe place and he couldn’t get out of it. He would stare at the ceiling and relive every fucked up thing life had put him in- for the first month. Even a little into the second. He hadn’t slept. 

Then Andrew had crashed. 

He felt nothing, responded to no one, didn’t say a word. 

Besides physical pain, Andrew didn’t remember a time in his life where living had been that hard. 

The second problem with Andrew’s mind was that he could go for different periods of time on his highs and depressive states. It had been when he first coined the term ‘hallucinations’. 

Andrew remembered all of that without even trying. And there he was, fourth year at PSU, second year being with Neil, staring at the wall in the front of his classroom because even if there wasn’t drying paint to watch, it was still more captivating of his attention than his teacher. Well, captivating wasn’t necessarily the right word. He just couldn’t bring himself to care that watching the wall was much easier than attempting to pay attention. 

After that particular thought - the word  _ easier _ \- Andrew would have panicked if he wasn’t already so far in his mind. He was in that perfect state where he was present enough to register that what was happening was exactly like that year living with Aaron and Nicky, yet not close enough to his emotions to do much about it. 

Andrew, though, had more self-preservation thoughts running in his head than he had back then likely because of Bee and a certain junkie. Possibly Nicky and Aaron. So, he told himself that he would make an effort. 

Andrew knew he was close to the edge. 

He stood up in class, shrugged his backpack over his shoulder, and left the room. He didn’t register if the teacher yelled at him or not, but he didn’t really give a shit. Andrew looked at his watch and knew that Neil was in his foreign language class and he consciously made a beeline for the language building. 

Andrew got there somehow, he must have because he was standing outside Neil’s class, feeling himself slipping by the second. He looked in the window of Neil’s class and noticed his runner in the back of the room right by the door. Luckily, Neil was very observant - or paranoid, by any other word - and snapped his eyes to Andrew’s about five seconds after Andrew had been looking at him. 

And Neil smiled that stupid smile of his which pulled Andrew the slightest bit in the opposite direction of the fall. The smile quickly faded when Neil must have noticed that something was wrong because grabbed his bag and left the room without anyone noticing. He opened the door and Andrew stepped back to give Neil space. 

“Hey, Drew,” Neil said. Andrew said nothing. He watched the shift behind Neil’s eyes as he looked at Andrew, knowing him better than anyone ever had. He watched Neil’s eyes switch from concern to panic to a determination that is second nature to Neil. But Andrew saw something else under it, something like understanding. 

Andrew was on a cliff asking for help without saying anything, and Neil understood. 

“Do you want to go see Bee?” Neil asked and Andrew started walking away without a word. Neil caught up to him quickly, walking next to Andrew with a few inches of space between them. 

Andrew then turned to Neil and asked a silent question. 

“Yes,” Neil said. So much of their communication was between glances, looks, touches, questions, consent, presence. So much of it was nonverbal, and that was why most people didn’t understand what they had. 

Andrew grabbed Neil’s hand, laced their fingers together. He waited for Neil’s nod before he started walking again. Andrew felt Neil adjust his hand and slot it between Andrew’s fingers tighter. Grounding, solid presence. It was,  _ I’m not going to leave you. We will get through this _ . 

Andrew was holding on for life. Neil squeezed his hand back and Andrew took his first real breath that entire day as he took one more step back from the edge. 

There was a fine line between the two scenarios. The difference between back when he was living with Nicky and Aaron and what was happening there, was that Andrew was pulling himself back from the edge. And Neil was helping him, Andrew could admit that. And Andrew wanted his help. 

Because as much as Neil wasn’t going anywhere, Andrew wasn’t either. 

“Neil,” he said. His words cut off right after that, not leaving his throat. Neil turned to look at him and nodded with that hard look still in his eyes, that only softened slightly when they locked with Andrew’s.

“We’ll be alright. I know, Andrew,” Neil said. 

“I hate you,” Andrew said and Neil just smiled. 

_ Andrew, we'll be alright _ , Bee’s voice rang through his head. 

Andrew kept walking. 

**Author's Note:**

> hello again  
> just a reminder to keep walking. also a shout-out to Bee, because she is an absolute queen. 
> 
> i have an au in the works right now, and the first chapter is close to being posted. 
> 
> thank you for reading, and let me know if you liked it, your thoughts. 
> 
> thank you again. i'm out.


End file.
